Written by Jennifer Brallier
I grew up as Trinity Pentecostal Holiness in Tulsa, OK. My whole family on both sides are in the movement. I have one sister and I am the oldest. Being the first born came with a lot of expectations on performance. And when I performed well, I was praised well. I loved the attention that it brought me. So, I continued to work hard to earn praise from the people in my life. This inevitably moved into my relationship with God. I subconsciously thought I could earn His love and approval by simply performing well. Being in the movement meant following standards that my friends at public school didn’t follow. I didn’t wear pants. My hair was extremely long. I didn’t wear makeup, jewelry, or nail polish. I never studied these standards for myself. There was no need to! I was different. And I loved it. People would say things to me like, “I wish I had hair as long and beautiful as yours.” Or “You truly look like what a young Christian lady should look like.”
It's ironic to me now looking back on it all. I was such a hypocrite. I followed this list of standards for the sake of “modesty”. But I would wear my long hair in elaborate hairstyles. I would spend so much money on high heels, dresses, and name brand bags to get the attention of others. It was the opposite of humbleness before God. I wasn’t following these standards for God; I was following them to fuel my own self-righteousness. With this came a very harsh judgmental spirit towards anyone who wasn’t just like me or didn’t think like I thought.
Things in my life started to shift when I became ill at 15 years old. I was diagnosed with 5 chronic illnesses, one of them required major brain surgery and I was 2 weeks away from being paralyzed from the neck down. The recovery process from surgery was long and hard. And it was just the beginning of learning how to live with chronic pain. Through that, I was told by many people in the church that I must have done something ‘really bad’ for me to be walking through this. I was devastated. I thought I had performed so well for everyone, including God.
In high school, I did my best to keep performing well. I was a straight A student with a GPA of 4.0. I became a Certified Medical Assistant and Phlebotomist. When I graduated from high school, I didn’t feel the need to go to college since I was already “so accomplished” in my mind. So, I went straight to work in doctor’s offices, hospitals, and clinics never feeling like I was doing enough.
Through my late teen years, my pride led me to being in and out of toxic relationships and sexual sin. I now see that this was a result of my desire to be loved and accepted. I was full of anxiety and depression. I was in several car accidents in this time that made my health issues more severe. I was still following all the outward standards of the movement at this time.
But as Jesus says in Matthew 23, I was like a whitewashed tomb, outwardly appearing beautiful, but inside full of dead people’s bones.
At 20 years old, I witnessed mishandled church matters that I knew in my spirit was wrong even though I had never read it in scripture for myself. So, that caused me to run to God’s Word and see what it said on these matters. When I started studying the Word of God, it was like a fire was lit inside my soul. I realized that I didn’t know what I believed for myself. I rented a cabin for 3 days, turned off my phone, and just read through the New Testament. God wasn’t who I thought he was at all. I didn’t have to earn his praise. He is a loving Father who isn’t waiting for me to fail but is there to pick me up when I do. The Gospel changed everything. It convicted me. It gave me a new perspective. When I started studying, I had no intention of abandoning the standards I was raised with. I just wanted truth. I quickly realized a lot the things I was told to believe were not matching with the context of scripture. It also brought me to repentance for all the sins in my life. The thought that without these standards, I would not be able to be used by God, was very real in my mind, but what a lie that was.
I was terrified to leave the movement. This was all I had known my entire life. All my family and friends were in it. And I had seen people leave and be called a “backslider”. I had put people’s opinions of me over God’s opinion of me. And I knew it. I could not keep living this life. These extra standards had not pushed me closer to God, they had led me into sin.
So, I sat down with my family and explained my beliefs had changed. It wasn’t easy. There were a lot of tears. I called my close friends at the time and had a lot of hard conversations.
And my fears became a reality. I lost almost all my friends, was called a backslider. I was figuring out where my identity comes from and what it means to be a woman of God. I spent my whole life being more concerned with the spiritual gifts instead of the fruits of the spirit. I had not been loving, joyful, peaceful, or kind. And I wanted to be. I wanted to use gentleness and self-control. I wanted to honor God in all areas of my life, and I had to figure out what that meant for me. Through this time, I continued to study the Word and I started looking for a home church.
About 7 months later, I took an internship in a lower income area in Tulsa where I found a good Godly community and I was discipled for the first time in my life. I worked in a clinic there and was able to minister & share the gospel with my patients. The peace that came in this time is indescribable. The Lord was using me daily. And all the desires of my heart to be praised, disappeared slowly. He reworked the way I thought. He turned my heart of stone into a heart of flesh. He saved me. I was learning so much daily about the character of God. He revealed so much to me in this time. I felt a call from the Lord to just start talking about how I was building a personal relationship with Him online. And even though I knew I would be slandered, I had to trust the Lord in this.
Over the last 3 years, my platform has grown into something I never could’ve imagined for myself. I am now a full-time content creator. I am married to the kindest man of God. We are in a safe, loving, and God honoring community that pushes us to run to Christ more. We own a business and live in a little fixer upper. My health is the best it has ever been.
And I am currently learning what it means to walk in the authority that God has given me as a child of God. It has not been an easy 3 years, but I would do it a million times over.
I know what I believe and why I believe it. And I never want to stop growing in my relationship with Christ. My identity is not found in my standards, convictions, or choices. My identity is found in Christ alone.
My testimony is proof that as believers we should study scripture for ourselves, ask questions, and be aware that extra standards that can lead us into sin.
If you can relate to any part of my story, I want to encourage you. You can build a deep peaceful relationship with God without following extra standards or rules.
I am so thankful for the freedom of the Gospel.
I would love to chat with you more if you related to my story!
“For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast.” – Ephesians 2:8-9
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@jenbrallier